When you take a pregnancy test and pregnancy is NOT part of the plan.
This is what happened when I took my first pregnancy test. I stared in disbelief wondering how
on earth this could be happening to me. I was only 18, a senior in high school and not at all
planning to have a baby. I felt fear and anxiety pressing down on me, and in my panic, I made a
decision I wish I would have taken more time to make.
I thought that having an abortion would be like hitting a reset button and that it would make it
like I had never been pregnant. I didn’t know about fetal development, the risks associated with
an abortion, what other options were available to me, or how I might feel someday looking back.
All I knew was that I was pregnant and that it was a problem to be solved.
Abortion promised to be an easy solution.
It was not.
I remember the emptiness I felt as I left the abortion clinic. Was this normal?
I had just felt my body struggle against the suction machine and lose. I remember feeling the
moment I became no longer pregnant. This wasn’t a reset. This wasn’t making it go away; this
was something different.
I couldn’t put it into words then, but looking back I can see the emptiness I felt become the
predominate feeling in my life. I was empty. I tried hard to fill that emptiness by clinging to my
boyfriend even more and working harder than ever to make my plans happen. Maybe then it
would somehow justify what I had done.
Nine months later I found myself looking at another positive pregnancy test. How? How could
this happen again? What was I going to do?
This time, I didn’t make the decision immediately. I went to Hope Pregnancy Center and
learned more about my options. I learned about fetal development, abortion procedures and
their risks, adoption, and parenting. They gave me the information I needed to make an
informed decision.
I looked very seriously at adoption. I went to an agency and was able to ask questions about
the process and what it would be like if I chose that path.
I felt like this pregnancy was a chance to make up for my decision to terminate my first
pregnancy. So, in the end, my boyfriend and I decided to parent. He told me he would be there
for me and we would be ok.
He left when I was 5 months pregnant. He decided it was too much for him and he didn’t want
to be a dad. All my worst fears came true. My boyfriend left, my goals and plans crumbled all
around me. And now I was going to have a baby to raise on my own.
I went back to Hope and took their parenting classes. I learned so much that helped prepare
me for motherhood. I also earned items in the baby boutique that I would otherwise not been
able to afford. They encouraged and supported me when I thought I was alone.
Looking back, I can see what at first seemed negative, really was a positive. My daughter is
now 25 and has two sweet boys of her own. I am so thankful for the gift she has been in my life.
But having her didn’t ease the pain I felt from my abortion. In fact, it amplified it in many ways.
It was hard to look at her ultrasound and know that was the same age I had my abortion. I
didn’t celebrate any of my pregnancies because I always felt the shame and regret of ending my
first pregnancy.
It wasn’t until 10 years after having my daughter that I learned there was help available for
women, like me, who have had an abortion.
Hope Pregnancy Center offers a program called Forgiven and Set Free where post abortive
women can come together and find healing. When I took the class, I learned just how deeply
abortion wounded me. The class allowed me a safe place to look at the darkest day of my life
and know that I am not alone.
I am so thankful Hope was there for me when I needed hope most. And now I get the privilege
of working on staff and being part of the team that helps women who feel the fear, anxiety, pain,
guilt and shame, just like I felt, have Hope.